THE BEAUTY OF A DNF
©Nicki Lange
In 2015, I visited Chamonix for the first time and witnessed the start of Ultra-Trail Du Mont Blanc (“UTMB”) - an experience that has changed my life ever since. Hooked by the atmosphere and the magic of this event, I turned UTMB into my life goal. I left the French alpine resort with the ambition to complete the course, turning this endeavor into a part of my everyday life.
After I had to drop out in 2018, one year later, I was once again unable to reach the finish line for the second consecutive time in row. Another missed opportunity is heartbreaking and hurts. After last year’s event, I had promised myself not to experience the pain of a DNF (“Did Not Finish”) again. I had learned my lessons and put in the required work over the last 365 days to complete the trail. When I drove up the mountain pass to Chamonix at the end of August this year, I revisited the words about making and pursing decisions, which my father had shared with me in the previous year. I was committed to finish the course, but unfortunately, things turned out to be different. I was progressing through all the ups and downs of the course, but eventually I got caught up by hallucinations that ended my race after 150 kilometers, 15 kilometers further than in 2018.
My body and mind took a beating, but what else can I do besides get up and try again. It is what it is. Things are what they are and all I can do is pick up another set of learnings and move on. Sport, in particular running, has a purpose that is greater than myself and my second DNF at this year’s UTMB is a welcome reminder that there is more than finish lines and medals. Even though it sucks to work so hard and feel like you have failed to achieve your goal, these decisions and resulting experiences shape your life and make you grow.
Dreams allow us to grow and mature, and give us an ability to chase more than previously imagined. Yet, if we also rework how we define our success, you realize far more can be won in any effort regardless of the outcome. In every defeat lies beauty, as well as a reason and lesson to be learned. Like Steve Jobs famously said: “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backward. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.” Surprisingly enough, the feeling of failure and negative thoughts about being unable to complete the trail have not lasted all too long. Instead, I am proud of the achievement, continue to appreciate the journey and see the beauty in my DNF. I realize that there is more than finish lines and medals. It is about balancing your life ambitions and goals, while being present and enjoying the journey. In line with the appreciation of the journey, after the event my mother send me the words of best selling author R. M. Drake: “And it might take years but the best thing about patience is, you always get what you need. You always get what you ask for and in the end, you always get what you deserve.”
Drake’s words underline the importance that process takes time and being patient is just as important as being reflective of each stage along the way. When you do not solely focus on the end goal, but go out and acknowledge every run outside or session in the gym, then it becomes more about the process, and not all about the final result. Whether on race day, exam day, pitch day, or any kind of important day in life, a myriad of things could happen that are out of our control. But, if you have enjoyed the process, it will matter less if something does go wrong. If the outcome of your decision was not as desired, do not doubt yourself, but learn and continue. Inevitably you will grow and mature as a runner, but above all as a person. Ultra-runner Tim Tollefson, who was also unable to finish the UTMB in the last two years, had brought it to the point in one of his after-race posts: “‘What-If’ is the thief of progress. How we respond to an outcome - good or bad - will dictate what is achieved in the future. So reflect, learn, grow and move on after each experience. Do not dwell.”
While UTMB 2018 taught me to make decisions, UTMB 2019 made clear that life requires patience and an appreciation for the process. So, I continue to lace-up my shoes and step outside my door to go for a run in pursuit of my dream. I will remain patient, as well as continue to learn and grow. This is the beauty of life, no matter if you win or you loose. My day will come.